Part 1 can be found here.
When we last left Sydney S Levy and Omar Barghouti, Esquire, they had just met Alder, a traveler from the future who offered them his time machine to take them on a most epic BDS journey to gather famous boycotters from the past.
But they must act quickly! For if they cannot demonstrate to the head of TIAA-CREF that Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions against Israel has historic precedent, their entire divestment campaign will be foiled, an event that will have a major impact on the future of us all.
Scene 3: The armory of a castle in late 13th century England. About suppertime.
A flash of green light fills the room and the phone-booth shaped time machine appears. The door opens and Sydney and Omar emerge, followed by their new friend Alder.
Omar: Now that was a most epic experience!
Sydney: You said it Om. That even beats the big slide at Waterloo water park!
Omar: Hey Sidney, look! Armor! And swords! And those big spikey balls on chains.
Sydney (grabbing a sword, and pointing it at Omar): I am Sir Sydney, Earl of Peacey Jewish Voices! And I challenge you to a duel, foul Saracen!
Omar (grabbing a flail and swinging it over his head): I accept your challenge! For I am Lord Omar, Noble Knight of the Boycott Academic and Cultural! En Guard!
They begin mock fighting.
Omar (swinging the flail over his head): So Alder, why have you brought us to this Ye Olde Englandy place? I didn’t even think they had Jews back then to boycott.
Alder: They won’t soon, my rambunctious friends. For we are in the year 1290, and Jews have actually been in living in England for more than 200 years. Over the decades, they were boycotted by guilds and prevented from practicing skilled crafts. They filled a hole in the economy by money lending (a practice forbidden to Christians), but were recently told they could not do that either. Nor were they allowed to farm or trade without being harassed and shunned.
Sydney and Omar: Cool!
Alder: Indeed, and now they are about to face the ultimate boycott: expulsion from the realm which will last for three-and-a-half centuries.
Sydney (putting down his sword): No way! That’ll teach those Zionists to ignore the Goldstone Report!
Omar lets go of his flail which crashes into a suit of armor, which falls over crashing into another suit of armor and another and another like dominos. Alder rolls his eyes.
Omar: Oops! Sorry about that guys. But Alder, what great champion of human rights do we have to thank for this effective boycott against NaZionist aggression?
Alder: I’ll show you.
He leads them out of the armory onto a low bridge facing the inside of the castle gate. A man with long robes and a crown enters the gate, handing a falcon to one of his servants.
King: Feed her whatever’s left of that Scotsman we had flailed to death this morning.
Servant: Very good sir.
Alder (pointing towards the king): That, my friend, is Edward I, king of England, otherwise known as Edward Longshanks and the Hammer of the Scotts. But for purposes of our project, he is the monarch who signed the Edict of Expulsion which removed all Jews from the realm in 1290.
Sydney: Excellent. But how do we convince him to come to the year 2010. Offer him a bottle of Scotch? (He sniggers.)
Omar: Or maybe some Scotch eggs? (He joins Sydney in silent giggles.)
Alder: No need for bribery, for I believe he and his horse will be passing under the bridge we are standing on approximately… NOW!
Omar and Sydney reach over the bridge and each grab one shoulder of Edward’s robes, hoisting him off his horse. Alder grabs the dangling monarch by the pants and the three of them pull him onto the bridge and rush him towards the armory where the time machine is stored.
Sydney: Don’t worry Mr. The First! We just need to borrow you for 720 years! We’ll have you back at your castle in no time.
The four of them run into the time machine which disappears with a bolt of lightning.
Scene 4: A room with dark wood paneling and various stuffed animal heads on the walls. A bearded man sits in a soft chair wearing black robes and a pillbox hat. His hands are neatly folded in his lap as he looks around the room, clearly waiting for someone to arrive.
There’s a bright green flash and the time machine descends into the room. The door opens and smoke billows out. The bearded man looks stunned as Omar, Sydney and Alder emerge.
Sydney (signaling inside to King Edward I): Now you wait here your royal majestic graciousness. We’ve got to pick up another historic dude.
He closes the door and the three of them stare at the thoroughly bewildered bearded man.
Omar: So Alder, who is this guy and why are we bringing him back to the future? I mean the present? I mean the Circle Mart? Hey, when am I talking about?
Alder: That’s OK Omar, time travel can be a challenge grammar-wise. Actually, this fellow is not who we’ve come for, although he is of great historic significance. Sydney and Omar, meet Haj Amin al-Husayni, the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem and the George Washington of Palestinian nationalism.
Syndey and Omar: Woh!
Alder: Woh is right! For everything that defines the Palestinian national movement: the rejection of all offers of peace, the lethal mix of propaganda and terror, the harassment and killing of Palestinians who are ready for compromise and co-existence can be traced back to this legendary figure.
Sydney: But if we’re not after him, then who are we picking up?
The sound of a toilet flushing fills the room after which a door begins to open.
Alder: I think you’re about to find out.
A man walks into the room.
Syndey and Omar: No way!
Alder: Yes, way! Gentlemen, meet the most successful Zionist boycotter in history. The one, the only Adolf Hitler!
The man, now fully in the room, is instantly recognizable as the Nazi Furher. His mouth falls open as he stares at the three time travelers.
Omar: Jackpot! I mean Jackboot! (He sniggers at Sydney.)
Sydney: Hey guys, I just remembered I have a corndog in my backpack that I bought at the Circle Mart last night (he pulls the bread-cased sausage out of his pack and holds it up). Hey Hitler, want a 21st century delicacy of Weiner schnitzel on a stick?
He uses the sausage to lure the Furher into the time machine which then vanishes into a vortex, leaving a bewildered Haj Amin behind with a singed beard.
Scene 5: Outside the administration building of Hampshire College. Two white mice are standing next to the flaming wreckage of what looks like a large, robotic suit. (Click here to find out how they got there.)
Pinky: Why Brain, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to get Hampshire College to divest from Israel!
The time machine appears and two hands reach out of it, each grabbing one of the mice by the tail and pulling them into the booth.
Omar: Not tonight guys, for we’ve got a more important BDS mission for you.
Sydney: Indeed we do Omar. Back to TIAA-CREF Headquarters. We’ve got an historic meeting to attend!
They break into air guitar as the time machine vanishes once again.
Will the historic figures gathered by Sydney and Omar be enough to sway Mr. Ferguson to divest TIAA-CREF from Israel forever? Find out in our exciting conclusion!