Hampshire and The Brain – Part 2

Continuing from Part 1 of Hampshire and The Brain…

I guess I lost track of Pinky and the Brain before they won an Emmy and ended up with a Facebook group with over 300,000 members. If you’re looking for one episode that sums up the series (and includes the Robot suit mentioned below), I recommend Win Big (available here).

So, picking up where we left off:

Scene 2: A conference room at Hampshire College where President Hexter is meeting with the school’s Board of Trustees. For some reason, Hexter is using the conference room projector to make shadow puppets against the wall. The trustees, in the meantime, seem distracted, with two of them playing cat’s cradle and another pair engaged in a rather aggressive game of gin rummy.

President Hexter: Apologies for leaving my laptop at home, but if you can all use your imagination, assume this duck is the head of the Buildings and Grounds Department, while this Indian…

Board Member Closest to Hexter: Don’t you mean “Native American?”

Hexter: Apologies (blushing), this Native American represent’s the Chairman of the Town of Amherst’s Water and Sewer Board. Now if I just…

Hexter’s Administrative Assistant enters the room, interrupting his presentation.

Administrative Assistant: Apologies sir, but the new sole, legitimate representative of the student body is outside in the hall demanding an audience.

Board Member Playing Cards: Well send him in! I’m about to lose my sixth straight game!

Other Card Playing Board Member: Too late [putting down his cards] Gin!

Both Card Players: You cheated! Did not! Did too!

A fight breaks out, interrupted by the arrival of a full sized robotic suit with The Brain’s tiny head protruding from the top.

Brain: Greetings, ah, trustee dudes!

Hexter: Ah, yes. A warm welcome from myself and the entire Board of Trustees. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to the new sole, legitimate representative of student opinion on campus: Brian.

Brain: That’s Brain!

Hexter: Apologies, apologies.

Board Member Closest to Hexter: Nice to meet you Brain. Um, if you don’t mind my asking, isn’t your head somewhat small in comparison to your body?

Brain: Actually, my proportions are quite average for someone of… my race.

The entire board begins apologizing profusely. In the meantime, Pinky, resting in the Hypno-Hat hidden behind Brain’s enormous robotic body, crawls up to ask Brain a question.

Pinky: Should I turn on the Hypno-Hat now, Brain?

Brain: Not yet Pinky. For given the extraordinary mandate I have been handed by the students of Hampshire College, I shall first try to convince this group of cretins to divest from Israel using only my powers of persuasion.

He turns towards the Board

Brain: Gentlemen, and ladies. For too many years, this school has profited from the occupation of sacred Arab soil by a barbarous group of Zionist imperialists who simultaneously control and are a puppet of the so-called United States of AmeriKKKa. Now allow me to show you why the only possible moral choice you have is to obey my commands and divest, I say DIVEST! from the so-called state of “Israel.”

A small door pops open in Brain’s robotic body which projects an image onto the conference room screen of a pair of Paramecium wearing keffiyeh.

Brain: If you’ll allow me to start at the beginning, here we have a pair of Palestinian single-cell organisms, demonstrating that Palestinians have been indigenous to the region since life first began on earth…

Six hours later…

The screen now shows a primitive cartoon of a tank with the Star of David drawn on it in blue crayon with its turret gun pointing at stick figures of a baby, a nun, a pregnant woman and Burt and Ernie from Sesame Street.

Brain: Now given the situation today in Gaza, the college should, no MUST divest itself of all holdings that benefit the NaZionist occupier.

Hexter [looking warily at the Board members in the room]: Um, thank you very much for your edifying presentation Brian.

Brain (annoyed): Brain!

Hexter: Apologies, Brain. It’s just that we’ve been through this at least a dozen times with that Students for Justice in Palestine crowd. And like we keep telling them, we’ve already decided that Israel doesn’t rise to the level of human rights abusers of say Sudan, or Saudi Arabia, Hamas, or even France for that matter.

Board Member: Besides, since BDS got started, not one college in the country has divested, which I believe reflects the fact that divestment is really more about stuffing the BDS mantra of Israel = Apartheid into the mouth of a school like Hampshire using any means, fair or foul.

Another Board Member: And didn’t the Methodists reject divestment unanimously last year?

Still Another Board Member: And one of those BDSers smeared mud on themselves at the mall where my mother was shopping. Blecchhhhh!

Brain: I think I’m losing them, Pinky. It’s time for Plan B.

Pinky: Right! Plan B! Is that the one where I distract them by disguising as Paula Abdul and inviting them to audition?

Brain: No you dolt. Tonight’s Plan B. Activate the Hypno-Hat!

Pinky: Oh right Brain!

[Pinky throws a lever and the Hypno-Hat snaps over the top of the robot suit, covering Brain. The wheel begins to spin.]

Brain (speaking through a microphone within the hat): Fools! If you will not be convinced by my powers of persuasion, perhaps you will be more pliant as my Hypno-Hat takes control over what you laughably call your cerebral cortexes! You are now falling under my command! You will now do whatever Brain orders!

Board of Trustees in unison: We will do whatever The Brain tells us to do.

Brain’s voice coming from inside the hat: Yes Pinky! It’s working, just another minute of exposure to my hypnotic suggestions and the Board will be ready to divest from “Israel” forever!

Poit! Onto Part 3!

Series Navigation<< Hampshire and The Brain – Part 1Hampshire and The Brain – Part 3 >>

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